Monday, 29 August 2011

5 letters

My official college certificates arrived earlier this week.  Thus far the only indication of my attainment had been the breakdown of results which were in that little white envelope on the day of my graduation.  But now I am the proud owner of a three page certificate, printed on lovely, thick paper.  A tangible record of my achievements this past year.  I did it against all the odds; whilst fighting to recover from a bastard of an eating disorder.

It may seem big headed of me, but I did sort of assume I was going to do well.  I've always been an over achiever, something which I am proud of, and whilst some YouTube people take offence to it, I shall never apologise for reaching my potential.  Nevertheless, the idea that I could get a straight distinction profile was one which I never really entertained.  The only thing I have ever failed at in my life was my Performing Arts BTEC... okay, so merit, (or B), grades might be okay for some, but for me it was a serious let down.  It knocked my confidence.  I didn't expect much more than that to be honest, and my tutors at the time did say I would have done so much better had it not been for an untimely relapse into my disordered ways, and the onset of the worst period of my anorexia thus far.  That was the time I was actually diagnosed - years before this had been happening, and yet never a diagnosis, just a disrupted education.  I suppose I must have been "sick enough" that time.

Anyway, I'm immensely happy with the first two pages of my certificate.  The first has the fancy writing, and a signature from someone official.  The second a breakdown of the modules and grades: distinction, distinction, distinction, distinction and so on.  Oh, but then the third page... I can't help it... it's the perfectionist within, but every time I see it:  distinction, distinction, distinction, distinction, MERIT, distinction, distinction ect. 

That one bloody merit.  5 letters have ruined it for me.  I must stress that am in no way belittling other people who achieve merits, if that's your target and you hit it then be proud of yourself!  But for me... I could have had straight distinctions, and that really kills.

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