Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Anorexic and miserable

Even though the overriding tone of this post is pro-recovery, I suppose this may trigger some.  As always I will point out that trigger warnings are pointless because everyone is triggered by different things.  However this post is in keeping with the general tone of my blog: pro-recovery. 

Yesterday I sort of half decided that I need to lose weight for uni in September.  Ridiculously I often come to this conclusion:  birthday party - must lose weight.  Holiday - must lose weight.  Bikini wax - must lose weight.

There it is again, that feeling of not being good enough, and somehow my self esteem and self worth has become intrinsically linked to my weight...or what I think is my weight.

In the past few weeks when my dad was home I lost some weight.  I don't know how much exactly, and truth be told I prefer not knowing.  Whilst keeping myself in the dark does stop me from being triggered into more weight loss, without the scales I never really notice my body changing until it becomes starkly obvious.  It seems I can lose weight without even trying for the simple reason that if I fail to hit my 1200kcal target I won't maintain.  Last November I got to around a size zero before I even noticed something was wrong.

I doubt in the last two weeks I've had to regain my usual eating pattern that I've even gained up to the point where I was a month ago, but even so I feel a bit tubby.  There have been binges of course.  It's to be expected after 3 weeks of a totally disrupted eating schedule, and I did go a bit crazy.

I feel that people at university might like me more if I'm skinnier.  Fuck, that's mental isn't it?  I can't even explain why I feel this need to lose.  It just seems natural to me, and fighting it seems so wrong.

I will fight it though.  I have enough clarity in my own mind these days to see that I don't need to lose weight, and people are not going to endear themselves to the girl rocking the skeletor look as readily as they would a happy, healthy girl after all.

Healthy and happy is definitely better than anorexic and miserable.

3 comments:

  1. 'Healthy and Happy is better than anorexic and miserable' So very true! Uni will be hell if you're not eating properly, and you won't have the energy to be the Charlotte people know and love. Good on you for fighting, keep at it cause every small victory counts. x

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  2. Wow, this is exactly how I've felt for the past two weeks.

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  3. Michelle is so right! You need to fight that voice with all your might, because people will not like you more if you are thinner one bit - if you relapse then you will be too focussed on keeping thin to have the energy to make friends and will fear socialising because of food - trust me it will hinder your chances greatly, not help them, and could lead to you having to drop out altogether. Keep fighting against that voice charlotte, it leads nowhere :)

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