Monday, 15 August 2011

Pathetic fallacy

When I first started making videos on YouTube I told myself that I would not allow my channel to become mordlin.  I suppose it makes sense then that this blog should never become drowned in self pity.  I persevere; trying to write about the good, and when I must write about that bad, try and tinge it with some sort of optimism.

Optimism.  It's hard to come by some days.  Occasionally I feel really lonely, not often as I used to, but it's that same feeling, and it's truly terrifying.  I'm not sure what it is or what triggers it.  This morning I felt relatively upbeat: aside from having to wake up early to get to Tesco before the mid-morning rush, everything seemed lovely.  It was sunny and I put on a pink summery dress to celebrate, sunglasses too.  This evening, however, that cerulean expanse has clouded over rendering my summer attire superflous.

Pathetic fallacy is what you would call it.

I felt empty like this before 40 minutes ago, but at 8 o'clock I called a friend, and they didn't answer.  Even though I am sure they must have their phone on silent or just be busy doing something it makes me feel so rejected, stupid for trying and bothering them.  I just wanted to talk to someone.  Not to bring them down into this stupor with me, but to talk, ask about their day and as a result have mine miraculously brightened.  I know I have many offers of a simple chat from my subscribers, but I know very few of them well enough to open up like that, and none of them know the real me at all.  They don't know how to trigger a smile from me when seconds before I had been in waves of tears.

I need that now.  I can't call again though.

I'll go to bed; if I'm asleep I can't feel.  It's one of my old tactics, one which I should not revisit, but I don't know what else I could do...except call.

4 comments:

  1. I sincerely hope tomorrow brings a brighter day for you; I know the feeling only too well. I'd be willing to talk, but as you said, perhaps a follower is not who you want to talk to. Just know that we on blogspot think a lot of you, and you are very loved and admired for your wonderful personality. x

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  2. I'm the same as you with phone calls - In fact I fear the rejection so much that I will rarely make phone calls unless absolutely necessary, even to my closest friend. Sad in a way probably.

    I sound like a child but I always think of funny lines or funny scenes in children's films, that usually makes me smile through my tears.
    xo

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  3. same goes to me. I am depress as you are. No ones know my secret. I hide it. I blog everything about food and nice stuff but from the real side is totally opposite
    3lin

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  4. I second Hannah Grace! I'd be more than willing to have a chat but I guess it would be a bit nerve wracking calling someone you don't know!

    I fear loneliness so much, it just is generally pretty unpleasant to feel isolated but everyone does sometimes. I try and do as much as possible with friends/family, but I only have very few friends I would feel close enough to call if I was feeling down. Don't forget that soon you will be starting uni and will be able to meet loads of new people / throw yourself into the social side of things!

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