Sick get to know me post

I'm writing this post whilst sitting in bed in my dressing gown.  Being ill isn't fun, especially when you've got a university assignment to prep for, a Valentine's day YouTube video to film, and an actual real life job too.

I'm feeling a little guilty about how unproductive I have been today so here is a blog post, which whilst being minimal effort on my part, (I can just about manage to sit and type; don't ask me to do anything else though!), at least gives you something to read. :)

Get to know the blogger:

Name: Charlotte

Nickname: I don't have one nickname.  Different people call me different things, but I'm not one for using a shortened version of my own name like Charlie or Lottie.

Height: 5’7"

Birthday: 23rd January

Favourite colour: Unashamedly a sterotypical girl: pink

Favourite singer/band: I listen to Ed Sheeran's new album A LOT.  I also enjoy a bit of Taylor Swift now and then.

Last song listened to:  Take Me To Church by Hozier

Last movie watched: Kingsman

Favourite book: The entire Harry Potter series, which has taken me through some rough times

Last book read: Rather lame: a uni text book 

Alarm clock sound: A jingle that comes with the Sleep Cycle app, which is what I use to track my sleep pattern and to wake me up in the morning

Currently reading: I have chapter after chapter of uni reading these days, so reading for fun isn't on my radar much

Number of siblings: 1

Number of pets: Zero

Cell phone type: iPhone 6

Current shirt colour: Grey

Gamer?: Give me the Sims and I'll play for hours

Day or night?: Day

Summer or winter?: Summer

Most-visited website?: YouTube

Anorexic and miserable

Even though the overriding tone of this post is pro-recovery, I suppose this may trigger some.  As always I will point out that trigger warnings are pointless because everyone is triggered by different things.  However this post is in keeping with the general tone of my blog: pro-recovery. 

Yesterday I sort of half decided that I need to lose weight for uni in September.  Ridiculously I often come to this conclusion:  birthday party - must lose weight.  Holiday - must lose weight.  Bikini wax - must lose weight.

There it is again, that feeling of not being good enough, and somehow my self esteem and self worth has become intrinsically linked to my weight...or what I think is my weight.

In the past few weeks when my dad was home I lost some weight.  I don't know how much exactly, and truth be told I prefer not knowing.  Whilst keeping myself in the dark does stop me from being triggered into more weight loss, without the scales I never really notice my body changing until it becomes starkly obvious.  It seems I can lose weight without even trying for the simple reason that if I fail to hit my 1200kcal target I won't maintain.  Last November I got to around a size zero before I even noticed something was wrong.

I doubt in the last two weeks I've had to regain my usual eating pattern that I've even gained up to the point where I was a month ago, but even so I feel a bit tubby.  There have been binges of course.  It's to be expected after 3 weeks of a totally disrupted eating schedule, and I did go a bit crazy.

I feel that people at university might like me more if I'm skinnier.  Fuck, that's mental isn't it?  I can't even explain why I feel this need to lose.  It just seems natural to me, and fighting it seems so wrong.

I will fight it though.  I have enough clarity in my own mind these days to see that I don't need to lose weight, and people are not going to endear themselves to the girl rocking the skeletor look as readily as they would a happy, healthy girl after all.

Healthy and happy is definitely better than anorexic and miserable.