When I first started making videos on YouTube I told myself that I would not allow my channel to become mordlin. I suppose it makes sense then that this blog should never become drowned in self pity. I persevere; trying to write about the good, and when I must write about that bad, try and tinge it with some sort of optimism.
Optimism. It's hard to come by some days. Occasionally I feel really lonely, not often as I used to, but it's that same feeling, and it's truly terrifying. I'm not sure what it is or what triggers it. This morning I felt relatively upbeat: aside from having to wake up early to get to Tesco before the mid-morning rush, everything seemed lovely. It was sunny and I put on a pink summery dress to celebrate, sunglasses too. This evening, however, that cerulean expanse has clouded over rendering my summer attire superflous.
Pathetic fallacy is what you would call it.
I felt empty like this before 40 minutes ago, but at 8 o'clock I called a friend, and they didn't answer. Even though I am sure they must have their phone on silent or just be busy doing something it makes me feel so rejected, stupid for trying and bothering them. I just wanted to talk to someone. Not to bring them down into this stupor with me, but to talk, ask about their day and as a result have mine miraculously brightened. I know I have many offers of a simple chat from my subscribers, but I know very few of them well enough to open up like that, and none of them know the real me at all. They don't know how to trigger a smile from me when seconds before I had been in waves of tears.
I need that now. I can't call again though.
I'll go to bed; if I'm asleep I can't feel. It's one of my old tactics, one which I should not revisit, but I don't know what else I could do...except call.
I sincerely hope tomorrow brings a brighter day for you; I know the feeling only too well. I'd be willing to talk, but as you said, perhaps a follower is not who you want to talk to. Just know that we on blogspot think a lot of you, and you are very loved and admired for your wonderful personality. x
ReplyDeleteI'm the same as you with phone calls - In fact I fear the rejection so much that I will rarely make phone calls unless absolutely necessary, even to my closest friend. Sad in a way probably.
ReplyDeleteI sound like a child but I always think of funny lines or funny scenes in children's films, that usually makes me smile through my tears.
xo
same goes to me. I am depress as you are. No ones know my secret. I hide it. I blog everything about food and nice stuff but from the real side is totally opposite
ReplyDelete3lin
I second Hannah Grace! I'd be more than willing to have a chat but I guess it would be a bit nerve wracking calling someone you don't know!
ReplyDeleteI fear loneliness so much, it just is generally pretty unpleasant to feel isolated but everyone does sometimes. I try and do as much as possible with friends/family, but I only have very few friends I would feel close enough to call if I was feeling down. Don't forget that soon you will be starting uni and will be able to meet loads of new people / throw yourself into the social side of things!