Sick get to know me post

I'm writing this post whilst sitting in bed in my dressing gown.  Being ill isn't fun, especially when you've got a university assignment to prep for, a Valentine's day YouTube video to film, and an actual real life job too.

I'm feeling a little guilty about how unproductive I have been today so here is a blog post, which whilst being minimal effort on my part, (I can just about manage to sit and type; don't ask me to do anything else though!), at least gives you something to read. :)

Get to know the blogger:

Name: Charlotte

Nickname: I don't have one nickname.  Different people call me different things, but I'm not one for using a shortened version of my own name like Charlie or Lottie.

Height: 5’7"

Birthday: 23rd January

Favourite colour: Unashamedly a sterotypical girl: pink

Favourite singer/band: I listen to Ed Sheeran's new album A LOT.  I also enjoy a bit of Taylor Swift now and then.

Last song listened to:  Take Me To Church by Hozier

Last movie watched: Kingsman

Favourite book: The entire Harry Potter series, which has taken me through some rough times

Last book read: Rather lame: a uni text book 

Alarm clock sound: A jingle that comes with the Sleep Cycle app, which is what I use to track my sleep pattern and to wake me up in the morning

Currently reading: I have chapter after chapter of uni reading these days, so reading for fun isn't on my radar much

Number of siblings: 1

Number of pets: Zero

Cell phone type: iPhone 6

Current shirt colour: Grey

Gamer?: Give me the Sims and I'll play for hours

Day or night?: Day

Summer or winter?: Summer

Most-visited website?: YouTube

Vegan Eating Plan-ish

One of the reservations I had about the month of vegan-ism I'm currently embarking upon was the variety of meals I would be able to eat.  I need not have worried because as it turns out I'm eating a wider variety of things than before, and they are certainly a damn sight more healthy due the increased portions of vegetables in my diet!

Here are examples some of the things I've been eating to give you an idea!  This isn't a meal plan, and it isn't just what I eat...just the things I could remember when I wrote this up.

Breakfast

• Fruit. Either at home or a bought fruit pot from Boots or similar
• Cereal.  I'm a bit fan of muesli at the moment especially Dorset Cereals Simply Nutty Muesli 
• Nuts.  I buy big bags from Holland and Barrett because it's cheaper and put them on my cereal
• Bagels with almond butter, marmite or anything similar. 
• Cereal bars.  Great for when I'm in a rush! 

Lunch

• Avocado on toast.  I made this for the first time today and it's my new favourite thing!
• Sandwich.  I put loads of veggies like grated carrot, cucumber and avocado for loads of texture.    There are loads of dairy-free "cheese" spreads available too which I use sometimes.
• Jacket potato.  Beans and vegan cheese is my favourite.
• If I'm at work I'll usually have a sandwich/bagel/carrot sticks and humous and then the usual lunch box bits like crisps or a dairy-free yogurt.

Dinner

• Pasta is my saviour. 
• Vegan burgers or sausages.  I have a stock of frozen vegetable bakes etc. for the days I don't feel very inspired to cook.
• Roasted vegetables as a side to whatever I am having for my main meal.
• "Sausages" and sweet potato mash.
• Cheeseless pizza
• Tofu means I can make LOADS more meals as I use it to replace meat or Quorn. 

Dessert

• Swedish Glace dairy-free ice cream is the one.

My New Years Resolutions

I've set myself three New Years resolutions for 2015.
1. I will have a better skincare regime.
I do own cleaners etc. but I can never seem to summon up the motivation to use them when a handy make up wipe is so much quicker.
I mentioned in my last post that I received some Liz Earle products for Christmas, and I fully intend to use them!  Not only because my skin will thank me, but also because I've got a terrible habit of only using half my skin care products before getting bored and moving onto something else... i.e. make up wipes!

If you're interested the products I have and am using are:
Cleanse and Polish Hot Cloth Cleanser
Eyebright Soothing Eye Lotion
Instant Boost Skin Tonic
Skin Repair Moisturiser

2. Go Vegan for January
As I said in my video, I've tried being vegan on and off in the last few years.  I've not managed to do it for more than three weeks due to a lack of imagination and underestimating how much larger my portions need to be in order to maintain my weight.  This time around I'm trying to be a bit more sensible about it all and cooking more than just big plates full of vegetables!
I've not found it massively hard thus far as I don't really eat meat anyway, always drink almond milk and am not the biggest fan of eggs.
Now obviously this carries potential difficulties due to my past as a sufferer of Anorexia; I state this in the video, but I am very aware that this is technically restricting my diet and I'm very wary of slipping back into old habits.  Rest assured that I'm well enough recovered now to recognise when I need to change something for the good of my health and if I get too obsessed by the vegan "rules" then I'll have to have a rethink.
I'm provisionally trying this for January, but if I like it and it works for me then hopefully I'll continue further into the new year. :)

3. Try to not wear nail polish
There isn't much to say here other than the fact that since I unintentionally started doing this my nails have been so much healthier and I like it!  It saves me so much time and I never have to worry about chipped nail polish, (one of my pet peeves), letting my "look" down.

Any questions or new years resolutions you want to share with me?  Comment below! :)

Christmas and New Year 2014

Hello everyone who reads my blog!  Happy New Year and all that jazz.  We are less than 48 hours in, but I hope it's already shaping up to be a good one.

I'm currently sitting on my sofa resting as I'm very battered and bruised, but more about that later... :)

My Christmas kicked off with my work Christmas party; much frivolity was had with a dressing up box containing various Christmas themed attire including a full Santa outfit, various beards and a turkey hat.

Secret Santa!

Three days later on Christmas Eve I travelled from Norwich to my parents' house in sleepy Lincolnshire.  It's an incredibly dull drive due to a lack of duel carriageways and inevitably slow moving lorries and farm traffic.  I arrived home at 8pm realised I had forgotten most of my toiletries, (still in my wash bag sitting on my bed in Norwich), and my mother and I had to go on a crazy Fast and the Furious style drive around the town to try and find a shop that was open. 

Christmas day was the usual.  My family always open "Santa's" presents in the morning, followed by the family presents under the tree after lunch.  I'm not really into "What I got for Christmas" type posts and videos so I'll keep it brief but I got some very lovely bath products from Lush, loads of Liz Earle skincare stuff, ( one New Years Resolution is to have a better skincare regime), far too much chocolate for one person, money and some other general knickknacks.  

I love Lush gift boxes! 

Back in Norwich as of late afternoon Boxing Day I entered into that weird period between Christmas and New Year where you don't really know what day it is and if it's socially acceptable to still be eating trifle for breakfast.  I was back at work so that helped somewhat.  

New Years Eve was eventful as I spent much of that day time in A&E at the local hospital.  I fell off my bike due to some ice that had formed under a hanging basket; it had dripped down and frozen into a death trap.  I couldn't see how big the ice puddle was either due to the sunlight in my eyes or just the fact that the ice was so clear, and my bike just went from under me. It went one way, and I went the other.  I've never been in a situation where I've been so badly hurt I've not been able to move, but let me tell you that when it happens it's absolutely terrifying, especially as a healthy 23 year old.  So I was on the concrete floor having fallen, either in too much pain or shock to get back up again.  Thankfully someone I know was nearby and he came to my aid and phoned an ambulance as I could neither get up myself, remember falling or say with any certainty that I hadn't hit my head.

In the end the paramedic concluded I had put my elbow out at a very awkward angle to protect my head.  I can't remember consciously doing this- it was a reflex I suppose.  However my elbow, forearm, shoulder, hip, knee and ankle had all taken the blow.  Basically my entire right side was bruised and swollen to fuck.  We thought at this point that my arm was broken, (news I was absolutely distraught by because I'm right handed), so I went to A&E to get X-rayed.

To cut a long story short the X-Ray came back showing nothing was broken so I could go home.  The doctor gave me some drugs for the pain, and I spent the next few hours in a drug induced euphoria which was actually rather pleasant. 

My bones!  Thankfully all still whole! You can sort of see where my arm was swelling up on the right hand picture.

It's amazing firstly how resilient the human body is, but also how painful not breaking anything can be!  I have a bit of a swollen and bruised elbow now, sore neck and an incredibly swollen thigh, knee and ankle but I'm thankful for no broken bones or a head/spinal injury.

The smallest bruise I have!  I won't show you my leg.   It ain't pretty.

So, that was my Christmas and New Years.  Hopefully that's all the injuries out of the way for this year, because I can't deal with another trip to hospital(!).

I am rubbish, and I know it!

I firmly believe that if you say you're going to do something you should follow through and do it.  But...I've been rubbish recently! It's been almost a month since I wrote on here, and a little longer since I last posted a video on YouTube. I can't tell you how guilty that makes me feel!  Nevertheless whenever I do have to put it on the back burner I am always engaging with you on Twitter, Instagram or Tumblr and I thank you for putting up with my lax schedule!

So what have I been doing?  Most of you probably know I've started studying again, (expect a video explaining the ins and out soon), and unlike when I was at UEA battling through an Art History degree I had no enthusiasm for, I am really enjoying it.  The downside is that spare time and days off I used to dedicate to YouTube and my online life are spend reading, making essay plays or working through activities.

I also work at least 32 hours every week, (although it's usually more), and coupled with 18 recommended study hours that equals 50 hours per week working in one way or another!  I then have all the boring adult things which need to be done like housework and food shopping - (I wish it would all just magically do itself).

I hope you're not reading this thinking, "oh my God, Charlotte.  Stop making excuses!", because they aren't excuses, just facts.  You all know I love doing YouTube and I love the little community that has built up around my videos.  I recognise loads of you as regular commenters, tweeters or Instagram liker-s, and I'm so pleased you stick around.  It means so much and the thought of you and your kind words has pulled me through some pretty tough times recently.

The run up to Christmas has been, (and always is!), super busy for me...the reason why I will never attempt Vlogmas ever again because I know I always fail.  Hard.  Give me until the new year and when things are a bit less hectic I'll try and get back on track.

There will be videos before December 31st, so keep your eyes peeled and if there is no word from me rest assured I'm probably drowning under a mountain of books and uni notes.

50 Facts About Me

I've just spent the evening doing housework and writing up an essay plan for an assignment that's due later on this week.  It's been productive, but now I feel the need some something a bit silly...so here is this post. 

I've answered these questions before in a YouTube tag video, but things change and I always prefer to read things like this than watch them, so here it is: 50 questions about me.  Enjoy. 

1: What are you wearing? 

Reindeer pyjama leggings and a navy long sleeve pyjama top, both from Primark.

2: Ever been in love? 

I was thinking about this yesterday evening.  I concluded that at the time I thought I was.  Maybe emotions fade with time, even ones as powerful as love, because I can't be sure.

3: Ever had a terrible breakup? 

Who hasn't?

4: How tall are you? 

5ft 7.

5: How much do you weigh? 

I haven't weighed myself in the last 4 years, and I don't intend to.

6: Any tattoos? 

Not my thing.

7: Any piercings?

Ears, once.  Conventional I know.

8: OTP? 

Myself and someone amazing?

9: Favourite show?

I don't watch much TV.  Coronation Street is the only programme I've watched regularly and consistently in the last few years.  

10: Favorite bands?

I really don't have one. 

11: Something you miss?

I miss how easy I had it before I left home.  Oh, to not have to worry about rent, bills and council tax!

12: Favorite song?

Who I'd Be from Shrek the Musical

13: How old are you?

Young enough to not quite want to accept my grown-up responsibilities just yet.

14: Zodiac sign?

Aquarius.

15: Quality you look for in a partner?

I don't have a specific thing I look for.  I think it is more about the qualities and differences you have as a pair.  That being said, I enjoy quite a lot of stupid, silly and a bit geeky things, so someone who shares or tolerates my undeniable coolness.  Someone who is honest, emotionally open and intelligent also ticks the right boxes.    

16: Favorite Quote?

"Sometimes it is the people no one imagines anything of who do the things that no one can imagine."

17: Favorite actor?

Will Smith.

18: Favorite colour? 

I like anything that's colourful, but also muted and non-obtrusive.  

19: Loud music or soft? 

Depends on the context.

20: Where do you go when you're sad?

Bed.

21: How long does it take you to shower? 

If I wash my hair 10 minutes, if I do not then less than 2.

22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

Again, if I wash my hair about an hour, if I haven't washed my hair about 25 minutes.

23: Ever been in a physical fight? 

No.

24: Turn on?

I like big hands...because big hands = big...gloves.  

For me to steal in the winter when my hands get cold.  

25: Turn off?

Emotional detachment?  Arrogance, vulgarity and stupidity too.

26: The reason I joined Youtube?

I was trying to find somewhere I fit in.

27: Fears? 

Growing old alone.  Not in a marriage and kids kind of way, but just not having anyone else in my life at all.  I'm scared of being one of those old women who die alone in their home and only get found a month later because someone complained about the smell.

28: Last thing that made you cry?

I don't have a clue.  I can't remember crying.

29: Last time you said you loved someone?

Probably within the last week.

30: Meaning behind your Youtube Name?

I can't be bothered to explain it.  I've said many a time already.

31: Last book you read?

A uni text book.

32: The book you're currently reading?

A uni text book.

33: Last show you watched?

The Inbetweeners.

34: Last person you talked to?

My ex.

35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted?

My ex.  It always seems harsh to call him that.

36: Favourite food?

Pizza.  Mashed potato. Nando's. Ice cream. Risotto. 

Not all at once.

37: Place you want to visit?

I want to go back to Edinburgh right now.

38: Last place you were?

Norwich.  I'm still here.

39: Do you have a crush?

I always have a crush.  Usually on food.

40: Last time you kissed someone?

What sort of kiss are we talking about here?

41: Last time you were insulted? 

Two people called me fat yesterday!

42: Favourite flavour of sweet?

Black and red.

43: Which instruments do you play?

Cornet, trumpet, tenor horn, I could probably play the recorder too.

44: Favourite piece of jewellery?

Right now my half moon necklace from Accessorise.  I also have my Swarovski star necklace, but I don't wear that much now as the crystals are a bit loose.

45: Last sport you played?

Rounders!

46: Last song you sang?

Let it Go. 

47: Favourite chat up line?

Wanna do the no-pants dance?

48:Have you ever used it?

Oh, so many times.  

49: Last time you hung out with anyone? 

My housemate last night I suppose.

50: Who should answer these questions next?

Someone with too much time on their hands.

Edinburgh

I'm the sort of person who always thinks of a million crazy adventures, but never sees them through for stupidly practical reasons like money, time and my need for 8 hours sleep every night.  However this Sunday I did something, (maybe not totally crazy, but crazy for me), and booked impromptu flights to Edinburgh.

The last six months in Norwich has felt a little suffocating.  Those of you who watch my YouTube channel will know I just started studying Psychology alongside working five days a week.  It's great to feel like I'm working towards something again as stagnation is one of my worst fears, but everything in my life happens in this small city which feels like it's miles away from anywhere else.

I'm not really one for travelling for months at a time; I like my home comforts and knowing I have my own little space to enjoy nothing but my own solitude, (because I'm actually very antisocial and could never share a room with anyone but a partner!).  Short trips away are definitely more in my comfort zone, and the notion that I might get away for even a couple of days filled me with so much excitement it was a bit silly. 

On Tuesday morning at 2:45 am I trundled off down my road, little weekend suitcase in tow, to the bus station.   My flight out of Stansted airport left at 7:55 am, which meant that I would arrive in Edinburgh before 8 am and have the whole day ahead of me.  Side note: Stansted security was the busiest I've ever seen it...at 6 am! 

The sunrise from the plane window before take off.

One thing you may not know about me is that I get terribly stressed out about air travel.  I'm not sure what it is; you could ask me to get the train from London to Edinburgh or drive and I would take it all in my stride, but a combination of the close confinement with other people and the lack of control when flying really bothers me.

Glorious space!  There was hardly anyone on my flight in the end. :)

I won't bore you with every activity I got up to, but I packed a lot into that first day.  I explored the city centre, visited some museums and climbed up a really big hill.  I'm not entirely sure how I managed it because I was absolutely dead on my feet by the time I reached the city centre at 9 am.

The geography around the city is amazing!

By the time I went to bed that evening I had been awake for 21 hours.  This might not seem like a big deal for some of you, but it is normally impossible for me to function like a normal human being for any length of time without sleep.

...and I'm in love!

 I flew home on Wednesday evening, and after another coach journey back to Norwich was in my own bed by 11:30 pm.  It was all a bit of a whirlwind, but I'm so glad I did something a bit out of my comfort zone as I've now fallen in love with a brand new city.  The thing I love most is the geography of the place; the entire streets built on bridges, the castle perched on top of an extinct volcano and the way it all looks lit up at night.  It's the most three dimensional place I've ever been, something which just does not come across in the photos at all, it really needs to be seen in person to be appreciated.

#Standard Harry Potter geek. 

...And now I really want to move to Edinburgh. ;)

A thought about respect

Maybe it's the way I've been brought up, but I was taught to observe the two minutes silence on Remembrance Sunday without question.

For those of you who read my blog overseas it is held on November 11th, or the closest Sunday in the weeks surrounding it.  This date marks the end of the First World War: 11 o'clock in the morning, on Sunday 11th November 1918.  It is traditionally commemorated with a two minutes silence at 11am.

It isn't lame or "uncool" to take two minutes out of your day to think about those who gave their lives so you could have the freedom we all probably take for granted.  I personally think about my granddad; he fought in the Second World War, survived, and went on to be the best male role model I could have wished for when I was growing up.

Today I observed grown-ass adults, old enough to know better, belittle the commemoration during the two minutes of silence.  I'm not saying everyone must hold the same values as I do, but don't we live in a society that is meant to respect others, respect their beliefs and respect what they hold dear?

I'm sure the vast majority of the country did stop at 11am today, but those few so involved in their own lives make me lose a bit of faith in humanity, really.

* I have no problem with people who just forgot; it is easily done if you're not out in public.  It's the flagrant disregard for other people and the millions of people who've given their lives in conflicts old and new. 

An attempt at something like a schedule

I'm recruiting you!

I want to start writing themed posts to this blog on certain days.  I'm pretty terrible at thinking up things like this though, so any suggestions would be much appreciated!

I'm already envisioning a monthly recap consisting of photos I've taken especially since something I want to get better at in 2015 is capturing moments in photo form.  My lack of a real photo library outside of Facebook and Instagram is a bit tragic.

For the sake of alliteration Fabulous Foods Fridays might have to become a thing.

Thinking up names really is not my forte.

Write you suggestions in the comments below, or if you're feeling swish tweet them to me!

9 Bars- Fabulous Foods blog edition!

Some people blog about travel, others about fashion or beauty.  I have chosen to blog about cereal bars.

Increasingly frantic mornings trying not to be late for work coupled with my still sleepy body not quite recognising it's hungry have resulted in the bad habit of not always eating breakfast.  In the winter months I just don't seem to have time, which is probably due to the uninviting dark cold mornings which greet me as my alarm goes off...just five more minutes procrastination in my toasty bed, please!

I was on the search for something I could quickly grab on my way out the door, and when I was in Sainsbury's last fortnight I found 9 Bars!

I can't stop thinking about them.  I think I have a problem.

I've been vaguely aware of these before but never bought them because, let's face it...they are just a load of seeds smushed together.  That can't taste good unless you're a guinea pig, right?  WRONG.

These are honestly one of my favourite food finds ever!

I like to store my 9 Bars in a big Kilner jar.

They are packed full of goodness including sunflower, pumpkin, poppy and sesame seeds, are vegetarian, (most are vegan too), and contain no preservatives or artificial ingredients.

I would recommend 9 Bars if you are looking for an energy boost, maybe after playing sport or just to fuel a busy on-the-go lifestyle.  Far better than a chocolate bar or packet of crisps with empty calories, these provide a sustained boost which will really keep you going.  I often find I can have a bar for breakfast and not feel hungry again until it's lunchtime.

There are loads of flavours, but my favourites are the original version and the flax version.  You can buy online in bulk, 16 bars for £10.80 or as singles in most supermarkets.  They are currently on offer in Sainsbury's: 4 bars for £2.50!

Are there any other similar cereal bars you would recommend?  Let me know, because I would love to try them. 

Read more about 9 Bars on their official website 9Bar.com

Buttons

I just happened to come across some of my old writings from when I was ill.  It was very weird indeed reading back through, not because I found them triggering, but because I could only vaguely remember writing them and questioned whether it was me who wrote them at all.  I know it must have been, but it was like remembering something from another life, or something that a best friend might have gone through, not me.  My style of writing has changed somewhat too; I used to be much more conversational than I am now, perhaps because I didn't really think anyone would ever read what I wrote.  Now I feel pressurised to be interesting and to have impeccable punctuation and grammar.

There are lists of what I had eaten that day, calories and excises.  Accounts of my troubles at college, and how I would skive off to work out at the gym, or to drive to Tesco to buy food for a binge.  I don't miss that life one bit.  As much as I long to be skinny still, I now know that my self worth should not be measured in calories and the number on a set of scales.  I'm healthy now, and I sure as hell look better.  I looked tired back then, almost as if everything was too much for me.  Everything was too much for me.

One of the most interesting things I found was an account of one of my eating disorder counselling sessions:

"I had my counselling session today.  It was a bit different to normal because usually we just sit and talk about how I am feeling and whatnot, but today we played with buttons.  Well, not "played"  but she had a big box of hundreds of buttons and she told me to choose a button to represent all the people in my life.  Here's what I chose:

Me - A rather dingy dull button that might once have been silver were it not so tarnished.  It had little flowers engraved into it and Maria said that it could be pretty and shiny again if someone were to show it some love.  It was really light as well, which was weird because it I thought it was made out of metal.  It had a whole in the back from something or another which worked it's way into the main body of the button.  Take from that what you will.

The ex boyfriend - Massive and black.  (Not that he was black but I felt the colour was representative of his personality and how he thinks of others.)  It was round, as buttons generally are but it was like a really shallow bowl.  It had four holes for the thread to go through.  It was like it was pretending to be this perfect shiny big round button... but really it wasn't all that great because it went inwards and it was shallow.  And I could see through the holes.

My mum - I can't think of the word of the top of my head, but it was that kinda texture you get on the inside of a shell.  It was pink but there was this layer underneath that was white.  It was really smooth to touch and I liked it.  But there was another layer underneath you could only see in certain lights.

My brother - A medium round brown button.  I said I chose it because of the colour and because it was boring and wouldn't add anything to the outfit it was on.  It would just sit there.

My dad - A tiny metal button with a pattern etched into it, which I didn't even notice at first because it was that small.  A tiny metal button which would do no good on any coat or item of clothing; it could only be there for decoration, pretending to be doing something useful.  Maria pointed out that it was metal like my button and that it had a similar pattern... I don't know what that means but she said it was interesting.

My gran - I didn't realise but it was actually a pink sequin like jewel I picked up.  It was multi-faceted (if that's the right word?) and sparkled.  My gran sparkled before she got ill.

Maria pointed out that when I picked them I placed them in a line so that they were all separate.  Not all bunched together in a pile.  When she was explaining she gathered them into a little pile, and I had a mad urge to get the ex boyfriend button and throw it as far away as possible from my other buttons."

That was from the 18th January 2010, five days before my 19th birthday.  I had forgotten that time my counsellor had made me choose buttons to represent everyone.  It might have been a load of old shit, but it also might have given her some great insight.

I remember how I thought about myself back then.  I felt worthless.  That ex boyfriend had done a good job on me.  Two months later I would have finally decided I was ready for recovery.  My heart was in it, which it never had been before, and then just a few days after I made that momentous decision I found myself with a new boyfriend.  Someone who made everything seem just that little bit brighter just by being there, and I knew that someone did want me.

I'm glad I found this because it reminds me how far I've come, there is still a way to go, but I'm eating a regular 1200 kcals per day now, maintaining my weight and eating those things which I never would have allowed myself before.  It's great, it really is.  I feel sorry for all those pro-ana girls; I bet they would kill to have cake and chocolate and BREAD.  I know I would have.

Videos and tangents

I'm a lover of organisation.  It's necessary, I think, to have a space in which everything has it's own place. I love clean lines and simplicity.  White is probably my favourite colour, but only when it is offset with pink or possibly a bright blue.

I like to know exactly where everything is, and it must have a reason for being there.  My YouTube channel and this blog is annoyingly disorganised.  I wish, especially for YouTube, that I had one clear direction which I never deviated from.  I used to: in the old days I would make a vlog several times a week where I would speak about how I was getting on with eating, how college was going and how I felt about my counselling sessions.  Now, even though it is brilliant that I no longer have those worries, I find that as a result my videos have become more random.  I film what I feel like filming.  I don't even specifically talk about eating disorders anymore.

You don't seem to mind it, which is good.  I just wish I knew what my direction was... but then again maybe people enjoy my going off at a tangent.  I always try and film video requests if I possibly can.  Well, assuming they are eating disorder based.  Some requests I get a very niche, and clearly from people who are also regular viewers of the beauty community.  How many times have I been asked for a room tour, a make up tutorial or my skin care routine?  Of course I DO try to oblige, but seriously, a make up tutorial from me, whilst being comedy gold, would not be very helpful.  I think when I have my room at uni organised I might show you how I sort out my things, but that's as close as you'll ever get to a room tour.

I quite like the idea of doing the whole 'life-casting' thing.  You know, filming yourself as you go about your day to day life, and I have done some of that and received no complaints.  I also like the idea of doing more topic specific eating disorder videos, 'How to tell a parent you have an eating disorder' would be an example of one I have already filmed.  I think these videos might be the most helpful to the largest demographic.

I don't know.  Maybe I'll just go with it.  I'll just film whatever the hell I feel like... it's working so far.

5 letters

My official college certificates arrived earlier this week.  Thus far the only indication of my attainment had been the breakdown of results which were in that little white envelope on the day of my graduation.  But now I am the proud owner of a three page certificate, printed on lovely, thick paper.  A tangible record of my achievements this past year.  I did it against all the odds; whilst fighting to recover from a bastard of an eating disorder.

It may seem big headed of me, but I did sort of assume I was going to do well.  I've always been an over achiever, something which I am proud of, and whilst some YouTube people take offence to it, I shall never apologise for reaching my potential.  Nevertheless, the idea that I could get a straight distinction profile was one which I never really entertained.  The only thing I have ever failed at in my life was my Performing Arts BTEC... okay, so merit, (or B), grades might be okay for some, but for me it was a serious let down.  It knocked my confidence.  I didn't expect much more than that to be honest, and my tutors at the time did say I would have done so much better had it not been for an untimely relapse into my disordered ways, and the onset of the worst period of my anorexia thus far.  That was the time I was actually diagnosed - years before this had been happening, and yet never a diagnosis, just a disrupted education.  I suppose I must have been "sick enough" that time.

Anyway, I'm immensely happy with the first two pages of my certificate.  The first has the fancy writing, and a signature from someone official.  The second a breakdown of the modules and grades: distinction, distinction, distinction, distinction and so on.  Oh, but then the third page... I can't help it... it's the perfectionist within, but every time I see it:  distinction, distinction, distinction, distinction, MERIT, distinction, distinction ect. 

That one bloody merit.  5 letters have ruined it for me.  I must stress that am in no way belittling other people who achieve merits, if that's your target and you hit it then be proud of yourself!  But for me... I could have had straight distinctions, and that really kills.

Anorexic and miserable

Even though the overriding tone of this post is pro-recovery, I suppose this may trigger some.  As always I will point out that trigger warnings are pointless because everyone is triggered by different things.  However this post is in keeping with the general tone of my blog: pro-recovery. 

Yesterday I sort of half decided that I need to lose weight for uni in September.  Ridiculously I often come to this conclusion:  birthday party - must lose weight.  Holiday - must lose weight.  Bikini wax - must lose weight.

There it is again, that feeling of not being good enough, and somehow my self esteem and self worth has become intrinsically linked to my weight...or what I think is my weight.

In the past few weeks when my dad was home I lost some weight.  I don't know how much exactly, and truth be told I prefer not knowing.  Whilst keeping myself in the dark does stop me from being triggered into more weight loss, without the scales I never really notice my body changing until it becomes starkly obvious.  It seems I can lose weight without even trying for the simple reason that if I fail to hit my 1200kcal target I won't maintain.  Last November I got to around a size zero before I even noticed something was wrong.

I doubt in the last two weeks I've had to regain my usual eating pattern that I've even gained up to the point where I was a month ago, but even so I feel a bit tubby.  There have been binges of course.  It's to be expected after 3 weeks of a totally disrupted eating schedule, and I did go a bit crazy.

I feel that people at university might like me more if I'm skinnier.  Fuck, that's mental isn't it?  I can't even explain why I feel this need to lose.  It just seems natural to me, and fighting it seems so wrong.

I will fight it though.  I have enough clarity in my own mind these days to see that I don't need to lose weight, and people are not going to endear themselves to the girl rocking the skeletor look as readily as they would a happy, healthy girl after all.

Healthy and happy is definitely better than anorexic and miserable.

Haribo

I told my mum I hadn't eaten yet, so she went out to buy me one of the ham sandwiches I like from Tesco.  Whilst she's been gone I ate 7 pieces of Haribo and now I feel guilty as hell.

Bloody hell eating disorder.

Pathetic fallacy

When I first started making videos on YouTube I told myself that I would not allow my channel to become mordlin.  I suppose it makes sense then that this blog should never become drowned in self pity.  I persevere; trying to write about the good, and when I must write about that bad, try and tinge it with some sort of optimism.

Optimism.  It's hard to come by some days.  Occasionally I feel really lonely, not often as I used to, but it's that same feeling, and it's truly terrifying.  I'm not sure what it is or what triggers it.  This morning I felt relatively upbeat: aside from having to wake up early to get to Tesco before the mid-morning rush, everything seemed lovely.  It was sunny and I put on a pink summery dress to celebrate, sunglasses too.  This evening, however, that cerulean expanse has clouded over rendering my summer attire superflous.

Pathetic fallacy is what you would call it.

I felt empty like this before 40 minutes ago, but at 8 o'clock I called a friend, and they didn't answer.  Even though I am sure they must have their phone on silent or just be busy doing something it makes me feel so rejected, stupid for trying and bothering them.  I just wanted to talk to someone.  Not to bring them down into this stupor with me, but to talk, ask about their day and as a result have mine miraculously brightened.  I know I have many offers of a simple chat from my subscribers, but I know very few of them well enough to open up like that, and none of them know the real me at all.  They don't know how to trigger a smile from me when seconds before I had been in waves of tears.

I need that now.  I can't call again though.

I'll go to bed; if I'm asleep I can't feel.  It's one of my old tactics, one which I should not revisit, but I don't know what else I could do...except call.

Being braver...

Back when I was restricting my food intake to 300 calories per day I use to make lists.  They would consist of all the food I wished I could eat, the food I would eat if I was allowed.  The thing about restricting is that EVERYTHING suddenly becomes a huge temptation.  I suppose if your body is crying out for nutrients, energy and love you will naturally gravitate towards cake and such like. 

This is a precursor to a video which I am planning.  I've had so many requests for a 'What I eat after anorexia' video that I think I must get my arse into gear and film it.  I plan to do this later on in the summer.

When I had a LiveJournal, millenniums ago, I made such a list.  It was very long, full of cakes and biscuits and crisps, stuff which I'm not actually all that fond of. 

A list of my favourite foods now shows that my eating habits are much healthier, and more reflective of my actual food preferences, rather than what my starved body was crying out for.

• I love toast: White bread, always.  I buy a low calorie brand, but I'm working on that.
• Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia Frozen Yoghurt:  This is love in a tub. 
• Ham sandwiches:  My sandwich of choice.  I'm quite picky really, although I avoid buying the low calorie versions nowadays because I realised they taste like wank.  Usually I make my own with proper ham bought from the butcher - I'm so not down with the mass produced cheap rubbish. 
• Smoothie and juice:  They make me happy, especially juice from a juice bar.

 I do realise of course that my diet is still quite restricted, (not that I only eat the above of course), but I'm trying to get new foods into my diet.  They are lots of things I would like to try, but unfortunately one bad experience with food tends to put me off for life.  Prawns for example: I had some in London on Wednesday and they were really yummy until I noticed one of them hadn't had the little black vein bit taken out properly.  It made me feel rather queasy so I didn't eat anymore, and I don't think I will ever again. 

I just need to be braver.  I'm going to try and take advantage of any opportunities to try new foods.